By Kelly Carrington, GAWD
According to a popular festive song, this is the most wonderful time of the year. A time for loving, time for giving, mistletoe and festive beverages, etcetera. Yes, social media is a blaze with the picture-perfect Christmases we’re all planning on having. But wait, what happens if yours doesn’t fit the picture-perfect Christmas jelly mould?
What if you haven’t started Christmas shopping yet? You’re worried about how you’ll muster up the strength and energy to bash out the Christmas meal, and everyone else seems to have got all of their Christmas ducks in a row. Well fear not, I can assure you that you are most certainly not alone!
No one wants a Christmas filled with anxiety and stress. Yet year upon year, some of us put ourselves through an ordeal which begins as soon as the clocks go back. This year, to save me from tears, I am going to challenge myself to really hammer it all out…All I want for Christmas, is?
(Space left blank for you, to decide.)
Christmas anxiety or anxious about Christmas?
Anxiety can strip the fun out of any kind of Christmas you might have planned or dreamed of. It is as though we desire to have the high street store ad-style Christmas, but anxiety behaves like old Ebenezer himself, by stripping the Christmas joy right from under us.
There is a theory behind this.
The expectation effect (EE) is a psychological theory that works on the same premise as the placebo effect. The mind plays a part in helping to create pain relief, reduce inflammation and a whole host of other sedative functions.
It stands to reason then that our minds can also positively impact the enjoyment of an event or activity, if our expectations are managed. In fact, studies have shown that physically and mentally our performance is improved. But there is a but. Stress and anxiety and unrealistic expectations lead to negative outcomes. I found David Robson’s book, The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Transform Your Life, most interesting. (1.)
Christmas is a perfect example of the EE in play. You want an idyllic Christmas, but the reality is usually a far cry from that. Plus there is a huge amount of stress and pressure you’re under to achieve perfection. Not only is it unrealistic to expect a perfect hitch-free Christmas, it is just not healthy, wealthy, or wise to put such demands on you and your family.
It’s all about Balance
Anxiety in small doses can be useful, it can help the mind to think clearly, it can raise energy levels by getting the blood pumping. Too much of it leads to stress on the body and mind.
The same is true for expectations. Christmas is usually steeped in traditions spanning years with valued sentiment attached to them. Unfortunately problems occur when we place expectations on other people or events, both are out of our control. If the event doesn’t go to plan, then resentment and stress ruin the expected outcome.
I’ll Set the Scene
In our minds, it is going to be the most rewarding, heart-warming gathering of souls ever. But in reality we don’t get to see many people because we probably spent the whole time catering, clearing up, and sorting out disputes over who won the game of family Twister.
Worse still, our expectations can affect the way others behave, and it can affect our perceptions. So we are more heightened and this feeds into the need for perfection. Making us hypercritical and on the lookout for problems.
I feel like I’m losing the Christmas magic here slightly. But, I have to remind myself regularly, it is just one day!!! Actually, let’s be honest, Christmas starts in shops before Halloween, right after the kids go back to school. Whilst it is not Christmas every day, Noddy, your wish is not too far from the truth. We are embroiled in festive planning for most of the year. It is always in the back of our minds. Where we will feast, who we will celebrate with and where.
I find that there is this inner, push-me-pull-me situation going on in my head. I’m pushing back against the mince pies on sale in September, but then I’m buying advent calendars in July! I’m my own worst Christmas one-upmanship enemy.
Inner Intrusive Scrooges Begone!
I’m painting the worst picture, but in fact, for most of us Christmas is fun. How on earth can we enjoy Christmas, but manage our expectations, when we cannot control others’ behaviours? Well that will truly take some Christmas magic. So short of waving our Christmas fairy wands this year I will be thinking about the things that really matter to me.
Yes kids, if you could just look up from your devices for 10 minutes, I would actually like to spend time with you all.
The Happy Formula
In 2012, two economists, Baucells and Sarin developed a handy formula relating to wellbeing. (2.)
Wellbeing = Reality – Expectations
Those with the lowest expectations are the happiest. I think that rings true.
My Christmas Expectation Management Tips
- Make a Christmas wishlist and share that with those you love.
- Draft in extra help and delegate jobs, rather than soldiering on alone.
- Keep in mind those parts which usually worry or upset us. Set realistic expectations. We cannot control others’ actions.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, be sure to step away from the action, have a cheeky mince pie, stare up at the sky, or watch Wallace and Gromit’s Christmas Special.
- Donate to a foodbank, volunteer or make a call to someone on their own. If you are able to. No expectations, but it will make you feel good.
The Christmas Sign Off
Memories which last a lifetime are those filled with love, life and laughter. Try and claw back the best of Christmases of the past by remembering just how little was needed to make it a good one. The core values. Then dress it up a bit of course! Got to have some fairy lights, but as for the rest of the faff…well, that’s for the naughty list.
There will be ups and downs and, but as long as you manage to snatch some time to do a few of the things you would like to do with the people you love, then that is for the win.
Embrace the last minute panic, lots of festive cheer, and possibly some anxiety about how your big day will go. I hope this post has given you food for thought and you are able to scrap a few bits off your massive to-do list.
Merry Christmas all, here’s a photo of my little dog Winnie. She most definitely does not like dressing up for Christmas, too early that is.
References
- Book: The Expectation Effect, by David Robson, (2022)
- Book: Engineering Happiness. A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life
By Manel Baucells, Rakesh Sarin · 2012
https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/_/EE-lDC2z8bwC?hl=en&gbpv=0
Short Bio
Kelly has been an anxious soul since birth, probably even in the womb. In her day job she is a children’s mental health recovery worker. But in her spare time, squeezed in between being a mum, wife and dog-mum she is also a mental health blogger.
Check out GAWD (Generalised Anxiety and Worry Diaries) to hear more from Kelly, where she mixes personal stories along with a teeny bit of science to help us make sense of all this mental health stuff!
